Recipe for Disaster.

Imagine if you will I am stood under the spotlight on a stage, glowing. Sashed and tiara'd-up, fully made-up in every sense and crowned winner of Warwickshire's Hairiest Angler Beauty Pageant 2032.

Hunky host Des Coleman off the Midlands Weather asks, "Tell us Keith, What do you wish for the most?"

Warwickshire's Hairiest Angler 2032, "I wish to end all angling suffering for the whole world!". Bursts into floods of tears.

So I'm making a start on that crusade today... 

The river Anker and I are no longer on speaking terms. We've had the usual, "It's not me it's you" / "It's not you it's me" blame game going on for some time now but we're taking some time apart and will try again once the dust has settled and we've both had chance to reflect on our behaviours.

I will outline below how to absolutely not catch chub and barbel from the river Anker in the winter months.

Follow these simple steps if you wish for your afternoon spent in the countryside and next to the water to be completely undisturbed by pesky specimen fish.

Use Drennan Supplex as a hooklength. Yes it may be very supple and fine at high breaking strains but I'm given to thinking it somehow doesn't work. Maybe it emits a shrill siren-like noise when in the water audible to only fish?

Same applies to their wide gape specialist hooks in sizes 8 through to 14. Although on the bank they are strong and pin sharp with a lovely beaked point to avoid blunting on gravel when cast into water they turn into plasticine I think. 

A Korda Quick Change Swivel above the buffer bead is an absolute boon for swapping quickly between feeders but again once placed in water I think they must flash brightly with a piercing light bright enough to blind all piscean life within half a mile.

Use a tail rubber by all means but please bite off the last half centimeter of the thin end. This enables your hooklength to be threaded through the tail rubber by hand and without the need for a baiting needle. I think tail rubbers scare fish like cucumbers scare cats.

Chubs loves cheese right? So you'd think getting half a ki' of powdered Mature Blue Cheese Powder from Amazon to add to your breadcrumbs in a feeder or indeed to sprinkle liberally over maggots a couple of days before your trip would be a good idea right? Wrong. Doing either of the aforementioned will be the nail in your coffin. You have been warned. 

All of the above will ensure a quiet life. Absolutely free from the frustration of wondering what you'll catch on your next trip. It will be nothing!

In my next installment I take almost these exact tactics to the golf course lake for an afternoon and do not get a minute's peace. Chub and barbel are crawling up the line all afternoon. Think on Anker, think on.

Cheers.